Trick-or-Treat Trivia

With Halloween right around the corner, it's time to brush up on your trick-or-treating skills because, let's face it, there's nothing the average family likes to see more than a drunk college kid wearing a dirty bed sheet claiming to be a ghost and begging for juju fruits (you jackass!). Halloween Magazine to the rescue. Take their online quiz (www.halloweenmagazine.com) to learn all sorts of useful tips on the art of shameless candy grubbing.

Question one introduces three houses and asks you to identify the one that is safe for visiting. They suggest the one with a bright shining porch light. However, upon closer review, it's evident that the house next door, although dark, is obviously bigger, meaning the people inside are richer and more likely to give you better eats. Go for the fattest payday. The other house looks like one that only hands out toothbrushes and boxes of raisins. That's a good way to find a flaming bag of poo on your porch. Score: 0 for 1.

Question two says an old man wants you to stop trick-or-treating and help him find his lost cat. This one's a no-brainer. The guy looks older than dirt, he's wearing a bolo tie and a fedora, and his damned kitty is missing--of course you help him--he's everybody's grandpa! Nope. The answer is "Tell him no and walk away." That's a little insensitive. It's a shame, too, because now he looks really sad, and it's not like he wouldn't just break a hip if he tried anything anyway. Score: 0 for 2.

Question three says you are hungry and can't decide whether to eat some candy you've collected or wait until you get home. I don't know about you, but I'm eating some freakin' candy. Wrong again. I'm sure ol' gramps from question two probably stuck a few razor blades in your tootsie pops. Why not? It's your fault his cat died. Final score: 0 for 3.

OK, so we failed, but those were trick questions. The real test is this Halloween. Good luck, godspeed and save us some of those juju fruits.