"I'm a weenie in a bottle, baby. Come, come, come on and let me outÉ"
Police in Commerce City, Colorado reported last week that a man who purchased a bottle of fruit punch at a local grocery store got a little more than he paid forÉabout three inches more. Juan Sanchez-Marchez, a 41-year-old machine operator, was drinking a 20-ounce bottle of Ora-Potency Fruit Punch at work when he discovered a severed human penis in it. Authorities say the details as to how the floating phallus got into the bottle are still unknown, but one thing is certain: Sanchez-Marchez got more than his recommended daily allowance of disembodied man-member that day.
"Hey! I ordered the vegetarian penis punchÉ"
Sanchez-Marchez showed the less than appetizing addition to his 16-year-old son and his boss, who said it looked like a penis and suggested he call the police. Pathologists later positively identified the object as a male sexual reproductive organ. Wow. Nice work, Stephen Hawking. One wonders if these people were popular in high school....
What ever happened to the good ol' days when it was just a dead rat or dirty syringe? And how about that name--Ora-Potency?? Just what are they selling up there in Commerce City?
Plans to incorporate the recent bottling mishap into a promotion gimmick are already in the works. Borrowing from popular fruit drink Hawaiian Punch, Ora-Potency's new ad jingle will now be: "There are seven kinds of fruit in Ora-Potency Punch, seven kinds of fruit in Ora-Potency Punch...and one bonus jimmy."
Early leads pointed to the beverage's distributor--Lorena Bobbitt Bottling, Inc.--but the FDA shocked phallus fans everywhere with it's coroner's conclusion: The severed souvenir was none other than... a chunk of mold? Penicillin's always been tough to swallow, but this is ridiculous.
--By David Walters
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