The Bullet shoots from the hip for the final time at Duke

The time has come for me to say good-bye to all of my fans at Duke... both of them.

When I first agreed to do a senior column, I was really excited. Then I realized that I had 24 hours to write it and I had no idea what I was going to write about or how I was going to do it.

Initially, I thought about trying to do a humor column, but then I realized that I just wasn't that funny. Next, I decided to write a poignant, riveting essay about my experiences at Duke and The Chronicle, but then I realized that I was neither poignant nor riveting. By the way, what the hell does riveting mean?

So I decided to do the next best thing, which coincidentally is the easiest thing. I've decided to chronicle (chronicle, get it, hee hee) some of my favorite things about Duke. Some of them are sports-related and some are not. But like my friend Lukas Horn always says, "There's more than just one side of the house."

So without further adieu, here's some easy-to-read bullet points (get it, bullet points?) and, oh yeah, there's some text after them too.

• Favorite female athlete: Fay Wells, Track. She's my sister and yes, she can kick Vic's butt if that's what you're wondering.

• Favorite male athlete: Adam Geis, Baseball. He was "The Diesel" before Shaq Fu of the Lakers and he's a better free throw shooter. Killgoar, are you happy?

• Favorite coach: Fred Goldsmith, football. Goldsmith is a great person and someone who I will never forget. Coach, thanks for everything.

• Best quote: Basketball's Chris Carrawell was a close second, but this honor goes to Kate "totally awesome" Soulier and Barbara "funny as hell" Preston, women's lacrosse.

• Favorite song: "Adon olam." Captain E, is this not the best song you've ever heard?

• Favorite television show: "A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist." Of course, it's Knight Rider. Come on, Michael Long, K.I.T.T., K.A.R.R., Devin and RCIII, is there a better cast of characters anywhere? I don't think so. Bonus points for anyone who knows what K.A.R.R. stands for.

• Funniest athlete: Corey Thomas, Football. Thomas always had some funny story to tell, although most of them would make the rabbi blush more than any of Danziger's inquiries about what is and is not acceptable behavior.

• Favorite professor: Dr. Bland, religion. Any student who has taken a class with him can attest to that. Greenblatt, remember the story about Potiphar's wife?

• Favorite joke: What do you get when you cross Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Ruth and Tonya Harding? Drop-dead sex that will bring you to your knees.

• Next favorite joke: It got edited, but it was a doozy about two women in a canoe.

• Favorite teams: Football and women's lacrosse. No, seriously. Don't get me wrong, I love college basketball. But there's nothing like watching non-revenue sports teams. There are no professional leagues and these athletes play for the sheer love of the game.

Whoops, my editor informs me that football is still technically a revenue sport and that Duke players can go on to the NFL, if those teams so desire.

Granted, Stillborne-I mean Airborne-didn't get off the tarmac last season, but the Bullet confidently predicts that better days are ahead for the football squad. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Damn it Neal, for the last time, Spencer Romine does not suck at football!

Every departing columnist before me has offered advice to his readers, so I guess I must follow suit. My advice to you is to enjoy your time here and take advantage of everything at your disposal.

Four years ago, I had no idea whatsoever about lacrosse, men's or women's. But now, I can say without a doubt that Amy Fromal has no idea what she's talking about when she says that Duke doesn't collapse on the eight.

There's nothing like a great senior column. And this was nothing like a great senior column. But, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Bob Wells is a Trinity senior. Next stop: Manhattan.