Yes, yes, my bitterness toward bad cinema is legendary. Here are some tasty treats I've hurled during the past two years.
On Simon Birch: "...he's just an irritating myopic dwarf."
On Meet Joe Black: "Imagine Brad Pitt getting railroaded by a speeding van... cringe as his flailing airborne body is sadly smacked to and fro by oncoming traffic! Grimace as his corpse lies broken upon the ground! Then laugh maliciously for about ten minutes-muahahaha!-because this death scene is unintentionally hysterical."
On What Dreams May Come: "I still prefer Hell."
On Armageddon: "Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck get sexy with cookies.
On Ben Stiller: "From all that masturbating in There's Something About Mary to losing an erection in Your Friends and Neighbors, I don't know what this guy does for character research."
On What Planet Are You From?: "Gary Shandling and Annette Bening win the award for Stangest Couple You Never Want to See Kissing Onscreen. Before that, the prize belonged to Woody Allen and anything remotely female."
On The World is Not Enough: "But never fear, there's also Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards), the fearless nuclear weapons expert who sports her very own ornaments, ridiculous name, and even more ridiculous acting. 'I must defuse this nuclear weapon!' Yeah honey, you go over there and pull those plugs and wires. And those cut-offs make you look so scientific.... Someone call Bo and Luke to the next Physics Conference."
On The Avengers: "What was Ralph Fiennes thinking? This movie had him burning worse than The English Patient."
Why Duke's English department wouldn't like Shakespeare in Love: "More literature jokes and references than you can shake a bare bodkin at. The English Department would laugh too, if only they taught Shakespeare."
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