For all of you reading this, some of you may already know me, and others will believe that you don't. But trust me, all of you do.
I've shared breakfasts, brunches and dinners with you at the Marketplace. I've stood in the never-ending line with you at Alpine Bagels and Chick-Fil-A. We've studiously taken notes and fallen asleep together during lectures. I've stayed up until four and five in the morning with you, writing that research paper and studying for that mid-term. I've been there with you at the library.
I've worked out side by side with you in the gym and in the weight room. I've cheered with you at football games and men's and women's soccer matches. I am one of your fellow Cameron Crazies. With hundreds of you, I have made that 5 a.m. "I'm-going-to-kill-Al Prescott-after-this" tent check! I've celebrated with you at the bonfires, and lamented with the team after Cincinnati and UConn. I admire and respect Coach K.
I've partied with you all nights of the week. We've shared and bought beers together at the Hideaway. I'm the girl you hooked up with last weekend.
We've gone out for coffee at the Bryan Center. I've visited you while you were sick in the infirmary. We've shared those late night heart-to-heart talks. I've been your friend. And you've been mine.
And yes, recently, I've tried to end my life.
I took 20,000+ mg of painkillers and attempted futile slashes to the wrists. And I failed (And I won!). I was too strong!
The worst thing I can hear anybody say now is, "She's got problems." Because I do. But so do you and so does everyone. I have stress from school, parents, family and friends. I have relationship problems. We all have problems. Some are just worse than others. I would love to be able to tell you that my story is unique and could never happen to anyone else; but I won't lie. I an confidently say that just about every one of you will come in contact in some way or another with a committed or attempted suicide. Everybody will know someone or even be that someone. In the United States, somebody attempts to kill himself every minute. And every 15 minutes, somebody does. Over 32,000 Americans died last year from suicide. Even more appalling is that suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students. And yet, we do not talk about it, ever. The subject is taboo.
Recently, one of our very own Blue Devils succeeded in taking his life. When you heard about Matthew Hunt's suicide, how many of you talked openly about his tragic death at the dinner table that night? How many of you asked why, how on earth something like this could happen to such an intelligent young person? How many of you called up an old friend to let him know what a great person you thought he was? How many of you actually thought about Matt's suicide without shuttering and completely pushing aside the gruesome thoughts?
I did not know Matt Hunt, but I attended his memorial service. I sat in the back, thought about my own attempt, and cried. Sobbed. I knew how Matt had felt.
What shook me most was the way in which Matt's mother, Susan, spoke of her son's death as if he had been killed by something, not killed by himself. The depression took his life; that's what killed him. And for the first time, I wasn't so embarrassed about my own attempted suicide. I didn't feel so at fault.
Depression is a disease. Like cancer or something. It could almost be called a brain cancer because essentially the brain cells and hormones are simply malfunctioning. Or maybe, it's like a heart disease, the way depression sufferers often feel such self-hatred. People fight depression similarly to the way people fight cancer: through treatment and medication. Both are uphill battles, fraught with complications and requiring enormous sums of strength from those diagnosed. But they are treatable.
What separates cancer patients and those suffering from depression, though, is the lack of communal support. It is not acceptable, in society's terms, to be depressed. People are afraid of what they don't know or can't understand.
There was once a time in my life when I too, could not come even remotely close to comprehending what would drive a person to want to take his life. How could somebody be so selfish and actually do that to all of his family and friends? How could he make a permanent solution for temporary problems? Life could never be all that bad!
Then again, I had never suffered all the pain, loneliness and desperation that would drive a person to want to end his life. I had never felt that feeling of being a burden to my family, friends and the rest of the world. I had never felt that life would be so much better for everyone if I just weren't around anymore. I had never believed that I didn't deserve to live. I had never hated myself.
And then I did.
Does that make me a terrible person? Depression is, above all, a curable disease, not a contagious disease. It is unfortunate, bottom line. It is okay to be afraid, but it is not okay to turn your back. I was once so afraid that I would not even admit or accept that I had a problem. But now I know. And so do you. We can't live our lives scared of something that more than half the population will suffer from at some point or another. Depression can strike anybody. It does happen. But it is nobody's fault. It is not self-inflicted and nobody deserves to feel such helplessness.
Help is out there. If you feel upset, lonely, or depressed, I guarantee you're not alone. You are never alone. The number one cause of suicide is untreated depression. Don't become another statistic. Seek help. There is a cure. If you think you know someone who is suffering, give them your friendship and support. Don't turn away. You, too, can benefit from the healthy rewards of helping someone in need.
During one of the eulogies, a friend of Matt's said, "It is too easy to take for granted the people we see everyday. And it is too easy to forget the people we don't see everyday."
Yes, you know me-the girl next door. I am one of you, my fellow Blue Devils. And I hope one day you can forgive me and see past what I've done and who I really am. I am determined, now more than ever, to win my fight. If not for my own sake, then for Matt's sake and all the others who could not win their battles. Because believe me-trust me-life is too short to not say anything. Life is too incredible-to not feel.
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