If I had five million dollars...

If you weren't at the men's basketball game against Clemson on Saturday, you missed a big announcement. A member of the illustrious Board of Trustees has decided to donate $5 million dollars to revitalize the football program. For those of you who have lost perspective because Daddy bought you a Mercedes as soon as you turned 16, $5 million dollars is a lot of money. Yet, as much as I would love for our football team to have a winning season, we all know you can't buy talent (I'm sure it's just a coincidence that most of the basketball players drive around campus in shiny, new sport utility vehicles by their sophomore year). Instead, if I had $5 million dollars, I could address some of the real problems of this university.

There's been a lot of complaining about the lack of dating on campus. With five million dollars, I could eradicate all sexual frustration. Upon admission to the university, every male student would have the right to a free mail-order bride from Asia. What about female students?

With a few million dollars, fraternities could buy a lot more alcohol. Or maybe I'd give the money to Mr. Han so he could get some better recipes. I love General Tso's chicken, but I'd like to be able to eat dinner without getting diarrhea for the next two weeks. In fact, I could offer the money to dining services in general-although among the Blue and White Room's fried delicacies, the Rat's freshly-cut pasta and the vomit that is Mean Gene's, I can't imagine how dining at this university might improve.

I could give the money to Students Against Sweatshops so they could redistribute it equally to every person on earth and then finally shut up. Or perhaps Duke Student Government. I don't mind giving money to a bureaucracy as long as they're efficient. With $5 million dollars, the tent line monitors could buy more than just jackets, bracelets and card readers; they could brand line numbers into students' skin, erect barbed wire fences to separate everyone into two single file lines and arm themselves with billy clubs to brutalize students who step off the sidewalk or appear to be enjoying themselves a little too much.

Similarly, The Duke University Police Department could purchase some machine guns and grenades; they need to be prepared if students ever go crazy again like in the bonfire riots of '98.

How about the Career Development Center? This university is clearly inadequate in its efforts to meet the needs of students who plan to go to medical school, law school or those few who strike out on their own and enter corporate America. If I had $5 million dollars, maybe I would just hire people to carry away the people who hang out in front of the C.I., blocking the walkway just so they can look cool standing next to a garbage can and a recycling bin. I'd demolish the North Building because it's so damn far away and Intro to Psychology and Biology classes because no one would notice.

Those girls who pant and scream during a capella concerts and the guys who sing Dave Matthews songs at the top of their lungs at three in the morning, knock over garbage cans and pull fire alarms just to let everyone know they stopped maturing by seventh grade would definitely have to go. I'd also feel morally bound to put a wrecking ball through the administration building, but I'd probably let the many students who've dropped out of the University because their financial aid has been cut do it for me.

In all honesty, though, if I had $5 million dollars, in order to be fair to everyone, I'd want do something that would benefit the entire university. I'd probably just throw the wildest party this campus has ever seen. Foam anyone?