Men are confused. And it's no wonder!
For at least the past decade, women have been fighting for equality in the workplace-to be treated as equals to men and to be given equal opportunity to attain their goals. What they have attempted to create is a working environment blind to gender distinction. And it seems as if they have almost achieved their goal.
But in the process they are also creating a society, not just a workplace, that is slowly going blind to the differences between men and women. And in doing so, they've taken the romance out of relationships. The environment that women are trying to mold in the work place and the standards of behavior they are encouraging in that setting are being carried over to everyday life and destroying the age-old hallmarks of traditional dating.
Not so long ago it was easy to define the roles of men and women in their social relationships: It was marked by an air of chivalry, respect and a type of courting that was very clearly characterized by men taking the initiative, picking up the tab and holding the door.
There was no question as to who did the "asking" for the first date; who paid for dinner was never an issue; and opening the car door for a date was never considered an insult to her ability. In fact, "ability" was never an issue.
In other words, all of these gestures were symbols of respect and intimate interest. That a woman would interpret them otherwise-as indicative of her lacking capability, for instance-was inconceivable. Until, that is, women's push for equality was perhaps pushed just a little bit too far.
I was raised with traditional values in a society that seems to have shifted away from that school of thought. So one might be able to imagine what an adjustment it was when I encountered the dating world-and nothing seemed to be as I thought it should be.
When I was a senior in high school, I went on a date to see a movie with a boy two years older than I was. We pulled up in front of the theater and discovered that the lines to purchase tickets stretched down the sidewalk, so my date asked if I would mind hopping out to get the tickets while he parked the car. I agreed, and as he stopped the car at the end of the line to let me out, he reached over, opened the glove compartment and pulled out his wallet.
Assuming he was handing me cash to buy the tickets, I waited while he dug through the different portions clearly searching for something. Instead of receiving money, I found myself holding a discount card that he had given me so I could get 25 percent off the cost of the tickets he assumed I would pay for. I gratefully accepted the card, and left the car confused: I thought men were supposed to pay for first dates.
When I began searching for the cause of this shift in the dating "rules" (not to be confused with The Rules), I found myself blaming not men, who seem to take the flack for most romantic ruins, but women.
I am not arguing that women should not have an equal role in relationships and marriages as men-of course they should be equal partners, with equal decision-making authority and equal respect for one another. Obviously I am not arguing in favor of submissive relationships; I am not arguing for the return of 19th century dating and courting. And to a large extent, it is because of the strides women have taken to gain equality in the workplace that these qualities do not characterize relationships of today; the equality we fought for in the workplace, in most cases, has carried over to relationships.
What I fail to see, however, is the correlation between a man's offering a woman a seat on a bus and a man's lacking respect for her as a woman or seeing her as fragile. What I cannot understand is why women, who feel strong in their own right as a result of their accomplishments, suddenly feel threatened by a show of chivalry.
I am flattered when a man holds a door for me, offers me his seat or offers to buy me a cup of coffee. I see those gestures as signs of respect-not that he sees me as weak, fragile or submissive. And I don't believe I am simply because I like it. I am a strong person with my own goals, and I will do everything I can to achieve those goals. A man holding a door open for me will not impede my determination or success. So as long as I am not threatened by such gestures, why do we as a society feel compelled to dictate the behavior of men toward women as a whole?
It is up to each individual woman to control the way she is treated based on how certain actions make her feel, because where one woman might enjoy a little chivalry, another may not. But when we as a gender try to control the social interaction between men and women, we're setting the rules for everyone, regardless of who may or may not agree.
Jessica Kozlov is a Trinity senior and senior associate University editor for The Chronicle.
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