Hypochondriacs no more, students face cruel world without mom

I love finals. It's the only time of the year when every person at the University hates his or her life as much as I hate mine. But the fun doesn't stop there! Just in case the Biannual self-pity extravaganza isn't enough to satisfy all the bitching needs of the student body, everybody and their mom and her pet rock has to get sick. I know a girl with scurvy. I thought only pirates got scurvy. I just heard that a guy from my freshman hall was hospitalized with Toxic Shock Syndrome. I guess he had to learn the hard way something my mother has been telling me for years, "Get that tampon out of your ear! You'll go blind!" Or was that something else?

The Healthy Devil told us to get a flu shot months ago, but did I listen? I was too embarrassed to admit that I was afraid of shots. I know it sounds childish, but ever since my grandfather died of a heroine overdose, I just can't bear the sight of needles or Calvin Klein ads.

Instead of getting inoculated with all sorts of chemical injections, I decided to take the natural route of disease prevention-vitamins. My bathroom looks like a GNC "Going out of business" sale. I have more vitamin C in my bloodstream than Orlando. My friends inquire, "Have you been going to a tanning salon or something?" I just laugh, "No, silly, everyone's skin should have this healthy, orange glow!" I'm poppin' pills made from crazy crap like cod liver oil, sperm whale sperm, and Han's General Tso's Chicken extract. I'm so packed full of minerals that my urine actually glows in the dark. A team of scientists are currently running tests to see if it can be used as a revolutionary new sports drink. "STU Juice! And you thought Gatorade tastes like piss!"

I used to love getting sick. After snow days and bomb threats, sickness was the best way to miss a day of school. I faked polio for 10 years just to have a running excuse at my disposal. Now that we're in college, what's the fun of getting sick? I can skip school any day I want, just ask my computer science teacher. I don't have to get a thermometer jammed up my butt anymore just to take a day off, although sometimes I find it strangely relaxing. As far as I can tell, getting sick in college has no rewards other than the occasional mystical insight during a NyQuil-induced hallucination.

First of all, nobody cares if you're sick in college. That girl who let you touch her bra after a selective housing mixer is not going to make you chicken noodle soup and change your bedpan out of sympathy. You're all alone. In fact, you're worse than all alone, you're a pariah, something to be avoided like a Bryan Center charity-on-points table. All those so-called friends you think you have will become conspicuously absent. You'll call them to ask if they can bring over today's Chem notes, and they'll come up with some lame excuse like "Sorry, I take my notes in Algonquin," or "My dog ate my carburetor," just to avoid contact with your disease-infested flesh.

Being sick is similar to the first time you turn all of your underwear purple in the laundry, you come to the painful realization that your mom is not here (She's at my place! da-dum ching!). She's the only person aside from a trained Hazardous Materials team who will pick up your snot-filled tissues from around the garbage can. I try to get around this problem by calling my girlfriend "Mommy" but she thinks it's sick and wrong. "Grandma" really turns her off.

Whatever you do, don't go looking for that maternal love down at Pickens. Those people make Dr. Mengele look sensitive. You can come in bleeding out your eyes, but if you don't have a fever, they can't help ya. "Just get a lot of rest, and take one of these green lozenges every once in a while. We're not too sure what they do, but they taste like gerbil puke, so that must mean something." I've had "doctors" in there that make Doogie Howser look like Strom Thurmond. "Is it common for a physician to have braces?" I ask my 12-year-old intern. She has to consult her Cliff's Notes medical pocket procedure manual for dummies. "Yeah, I guess so. Now where did I put that ear-light thingy?"

"It's still in my ear."