SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER-Unable to find a good guest on Earth, the Grid Picks crew leased a flying saucer and headed off in search of intelligent, football-watching life.
"Just in the" Nick "of time" Tylwalk lived up to his name-he couldn't hear the final launch announcement through his massive headphones and nearly missed the flight.
"Well, if you guys had picked Cal 20 times for me in honor of Dr. Dre's 'California Love,' that would have been okay," Tylwalk said. "It's a phat song."
Despite witnessing a glorious view of Earth, bridesmaid Joel "I Swear Bigfoot" Israel couldn't be totally happy.
"I can't believe Adam Sandler didn't mention me in the 'Chanukah Song,'" he said. "How about 'Guess who during Passover only cooks with matzo meal? / ..... Joel Israel.'"
Neophyte du jour "If You Wanna Kiss the Sky, Gotta Learn How to" Neal Morgan, meanwhile, was hunched over the ship's computer, doing research on college football teams.
"I can't believe even Laura did better than me the first time around," he said. "But I bet she couldn't eat an entire pound of beef in one sitting."
"I Wanna Be Like" Mike King just couldn't wait to touch down on another planet.
"I'll be just like Captain Kirk in the old episodes of Star Trek," he said. "Wherever we go, I'll hook up with an alien chick."
"King, sit back down," Devin "G." Gordon "Liddy" said, "Toy with Israel instead."
Albert "Take Me to Your" Lee "der" was busy studying the vessel's various star maps.
"Now I can write a sequel to my best-selling Where to Take Your Date Guide," he said. "Now I can do a 'hot spots in space' edition."
Lee was suddenly knocked off his feet as the saucer took a hard left under the piloting of Carrie "r Pigeons" Fellrath.
"This is so much fun!" she said. "Goodbye ROTC. Hello NASA."
Zach Davis "Cup" was in the back of the ship showing off his newly-learned Australian slang.
"Ring," he said, pointing at Saturn. Then, taking a chug of his Foster's, he added, "Beer."
Dave "Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, Cheese" Berger was too occupied to drink with Davis, as he was simultaneously navigating, checking the airwaves for alien transmissions and flushing out the ship's Port-A-Potty.
"Don't worry guys, I can handle it," he said. "Like those three stories I did in one night last week-they were all finished by dawn."
"But you obviously didn't have time to use a thesaurus," Yvonne "Oy" Krywyj said. "You didn't use 'garner,' 'plethora' or 'laxers.' I'm sure we'll need that kind of vocabulary to communicate with the extraterrestrial beings."
Just then they touched down on Uranus. Jamal "Rats" Middlebrooks was the first to rush onto the surface.
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"Where is everybody?" he asked. "I was expecting an alien version of Freaknik. There aren't even any white people here!"
After the Detroit Lions' Herman Moore dissed the Grid Pickers, Chronicle managing editor Ed "Peeping" Thomas filled in.
"Oh my God," Thomas gushed. "I can die now. This has got to be the highlight of my life. And I even get to go to Uranus!"
By Keyser Ssze