One man's personal quest for spiritual self-definition

Religion and spirituality tend to have an inescapable impact on our everyday lives, our perceptions of the world around us, on our values, morals and ethics. Our responsiveness to-and even our resistance to-its presence in our lives is something to which we all can relate. It is unrealistic to think that the moral codes employed by governing bodies or by parents for the purpose of rearing their children are not somehow grounded in a religious maxim. Very early in our lives, our parents explained the "thou shalts" and "thou shalt nots" to us in a genuine effort to provide us a moral framework that would allow us to lead lives as "good" people and productive citizens.

As college students, who for the first time are truly allowed the freedom to have their belief systems challenged, we embark on an intense, frustrating and deeply confusing period in our lives. There are some who choose not to challenge the principles handed to them by parents and by religious and cultural norms. Abiding by what we have always regarded as "truth" is the easiest way to reconcile any confusion we experience. Still, there are others of us for whom the truths we have been taught disaffirm our very existence. For us, the search for purpose and meaning demands that we either muster the courage to find a spiritual comfort zone or forego that search altogether.

As a high school student, I wondered why "God" hated me so. I wondered why my love for Christ, for my fellow brothers and sisters meant nothing as long as I felt an attraction to men. I felt that the only way to rid myself of these evil, homosexual "demons" was to immerse myself in church. The ultimate blessing from this, I thought, would be the removal of the curse I acquired at birth. For I did not recall choosing to become gay... I just was. Three years of this continuous religious baptism seemed to be in vain.

Upon coming to college, I realized that I would never be "straight." I could feign straightness; I could go through the motions of leading a heterosexual life, but such a life would be a very dishonest one. In the process of affirming my "gayness" I noticed that the role of spirituality-a role which motivated my love for others, service for humankind, and an inner joy that is hard to describe in words-began to diminish. I reconciled this by viewing Christianity and gayness as mutually exclusive identities. And while I am fortunate that I finally developed a positive and healthy sense of myself as a gay, I was not truly happy. Fortunately, I came to realize that my gayness does not negate my worth as a human being and my maintenance of "family values." The void that resulted from the absence of a spiritual presence in my life left me as empty as I felt while immersing myself in Christianity and hating myself for not being able to overcome homosexuality.

I realized then that I would have to reconcile my beliefs about spirituality and homosexuality in order to fully lead a productive and healthy life. I had as difficult a time in resolving this dilemma as I did in my attempts to declare a major. I was a very well-rounded person whose vision of spiritual holism would resemble an interdisciplinary program. Consequently, I researched various methods of spiritual expression.

I did not often find support in predominantly gay circles. The hate and ostracism many of my peers experienced by churches and family, left them unsympathetic to my need for any spiritual reconciliation. I found little comfort in the "love the sinner, hate the sin" ethic espoused by my heterosexual Christian peers. For my sexual preference was not some kind of cancerous tumor that could be removed to enhance my livelihood. It was too difficult to explain to them that the person they liked so much possessed the qualities they enjoyed partially because of the struggles I endured as a black gay man. My empathetic tendencies, my intolerance of injustice, my love for life generally, were connected to all aspects of my identity.

Today, years later, I feel that I still don't have all of the answers to my spiritual questions. I don't believe that what will work for me is "shaping" Christianity in a way that affirms my gayness. For me it never has and never will. I no longer subject myself to hate monger preachers in familiar black churches who spend more time talking about my supposed perversion than missionary work to the homeless and hungry. I have a difficult time feeling comfortable in religious establishments that try to reinterpret the Bible in order to justify the capability for gay folk to be as moral and righteous as anyone else. I feel that my relationship with God is strong and gets stronger daily. I also feel blessed to be an example for young men and women who, like myself, have many questions about sexuality and religion, young people who still have much to offer their present and future families as well as society at large.

Spirituality is a very personal matter. It is not for us to judge other people's relationships to God. If we all truly adhered to God's principles, we would love each other unconditionally.