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Monday, Monday
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GATSBY relates blue WonderBras to handcuffs, exercise**
Like many bored students looking for something to read in class, I picked up the latest complimentary copy of The Duke Review with the title "The End of Racism" on the cover. What's that supposed to mean? This is their last issue? Maybe they shouldn't publish for a while anyway, until Spectrum House provides them with some material. Come on guys, you used to be the funniest thing on campus outside of Epworth. What's happened? Oh well, at least that virgin paper you use is softer than the toilet tissue we get in the dorms.
But why should I bother to pick on The Duke Review when there is so much comedic material waiting to be uncovered in this whole sorority rush circus? Has a genetic experiment gone awry somewhere on Research Drive, creating hundreds of clones, each complete with clogs and a very small leather backpack? I've seen them lined up, all looking as scared and apprehensive as Lisa-Marie Presley on her wedding night. And standing on the bus listening to them talk about what they're going to wear--it's like Faraz Hussein's personal hell.
So in honor of our great Panhellenic tradition, I am designating this as the First Multi-annual Sex Edition of Monday, Monday, because, if there's one thing that everyone understands about sorority bid parties, it's sex. And remember, if you plan on going to one, bring your Visa--because they'll take any line you give 'em, but they won't take American Express.
As difficult as it is to write 750 words about sex on a campus where everyone does it, but no one remembers it, I've managed to find a few interesting sexual news tidbits.
In response to popular demand from the philosophy department, Duke Stores is now carrying the Duke Cheerleaders-endorsed WonderBra. They're available in blue and white and in a range of sizes. And the bookstore is running a sorority special this month on the easy-access front clasp version. Coming soon: public safety handcuffs. (Hey, who doesn't like a little bondage now and then?)
I'd like to thank James Mahon and his "sun goddess" in Europe for bringing this matter to our attention in a Thursday letter to the editor. Three cheers for the philosophy department, where people have time to worry about these things. I'd buy you a beer, James, but my fake ID was confiscated by the Durham police in Operation Click It or Ticket.
The nutritionist on staff at the U-Room has recommended low-fat yogurt and cottage cheese for "those health conscious Dukies looking for something to lick off their mate's body." Such low-fat foods would presumably allow students to keep their figures. She also advocates sex as a valid form of exercise for those who can't make the trek over to Card Gym, but says that masturbation "simply doesn't burn many calories."
Speaking of masturbation, I recently saw that more people watch "Baywatch" on a given day (200 million) than have sex (about 100 million). This does not include the small percentage of people who have sex while watching the show.
Trying to take advantage of the television show's popularity, DTV has started production of a spin-off drama to be filmed at the University, "Benchwatch." A spokesperson said, "It's basically like `Baywatch,' except it has a bunch of guys on their house benches catcalling women. I think it has a lot of potential, especially with slow motion cleavage shots of women running across the quads." In the first episode, the actress playing the ditzy Anna-Nicole Smith Lee becomes redundantly comatose when hit by an East-West bus, leaving her rescuers with the dilemma of what to do with her unconscious body.
Speaking of unconscious bodies, what's happened to our basketball team? With empty seats in Cameron, and the National Park Service estimating an average attendance of 42 people, you'd think the boys don't have their minds on the game. I think I have found the reason. It's called "NCAA After-hours," and you won't find it at Blockbuster Video. Though I haven't seen it myself, I've heard Chris Collins brings new meaning to the term "three-point shot." I guess they've got to do something for money; a degree in General Studies just doesn't go as far as it used to.
In response to the hedonistic behavior of the greeks, several evangelical Christian groups on campus have formed the Sorority Chastity by Religious Enlightenment of Women (SCREW). The group will promote anti-sex campaigns, such as: "You get none of mine until it's time," and, "Look what happened to Amy Fisher." In the words of one of the members, "Boys are icky, anyway."
Next edition... The Swimsuit Issue!
GATSBY is an equal opportunity offender.
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