I have a minor confession to make. It's not one that will distinguish me from the majority of tax-paying citizens, nor will it jeopardize my chances in the 2016 presidential elections, nor will it even cost me my position as a campus journalist.
I like smutty, muckraking, banana yellow, morally questionable journalism. In fact, I love it. Give me Maury Povich or give me death. Show me Lady Di or make me cry. And a little blood won't hurt either. The dirtier the better, the more violent the better, the more inner circle, multinational conspiracy you can get, the better!!
Rescue 911, A Current Affair, Cops. These are my staples. They are to my college existence what pain pills are to Michael Jackson. A bittersweet addiction.
So here are some reflections on the best of the worst of 1993. Occasionally I might interrupt the purely fantastical and voyeuristic with some hardhitting critical analysis. Don't mind me, I'm just trying to maintain a little dignity.
The Program The Academy Award nominee for Best Picture, The Program, most of which was filmed at an illustrious American research university, instigated a string of highway deaths a couple of months ago. Attempting to imitate a scene from the film in which football players lie in the middle of an interstate as an exhibition of bravery/mental incompetency, two midwestern teenagers are fatally hit by automobiles. Hmmm. In no way is this a funny or pleasurable story. It's really impossible to tastefully extract humor from this anecdote so I'm not going to try. Let me just say that these kids needed a major league CAT scan and that football coaches need to chill out a little bit. Really, folks, it's just a game.
Beavis and Butthead Only one word: cool. MTV's rather brilliant and utterly self-referential take on the teenage hardcore metal subculture hits a home run. Never before has any show so consistently made fun of its audience and still achieved astounding success. Now the pivotal question: Are the average MTV viewers actually missing the point? In other words, could they possibly be dumber than Beavis and Butthead? As a side note, some parents whose son set fire to the family home while watching B&B have filed suit against MTV (for one count of God Knows What). Only four words of advice for the parents: Parental Supervision. Huh, huh.
Waco, Texas Another toughy. Nothing really all that funny about a blown up compound and scores of dead Americans. Suffice it to say, however, that the Branch Davidians and the FBI made perfect dancing partners. Guns, unnecessary violence and brainwashing have found infinite points of entry into both Christianity and the Federal Government. Also give the NRA some tangential credit for this one.
Joey Buttafuoco To be totally honest, this is really last year's story. I just love saying that name, though. Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco. Great, great stuff. Incidentally, this story has a nice little twist that is reminiscent of a Smut Story later in our list. Several months ago, Joey's wife Mary Jo said, "If I really believed Joey Buttafuoco had an affair with Amy Fisher, I'd cut his testicles off." Now that Fisher has been sentenced for attempting to rub Mary Jo out, and Joey has admitted sleeping with Fisher, pleading guilty to statutory rape, we could get several more made-for-TV movies out of this beauty. Not to mention a squeaky voiced Buttafuoco. Keep your fingers crossed.
Bill Clinton's haircut Bill Clinton has a $200 haircut aboard Air Force One, delays a couple of planes at the Los Angeles airport and suddenly it's a national scandal. Only in America. The guy looks good, cut him some slack. Besides, we got another really great name out of this story. The Belgian barber's name? Cristophe. Cristophe of Beverly Hills, no less. Wonderful. Anyone ever heard of Bosnia? Watts? The Bronx? No? Oh well.
Rappers Indicted Snoop Doggy Dogg, indicted last month for murder, and 2PAC, indicted for both attempted murder and sexual assault, have blemished the good name of hip-hop. Quite frankly, Snoop Doggy Dogg has a little more leeway. He never defined himself in role model terms. 2PAC, on the other hand, has a current single entitled "Keep Ya Head Up" that pays homage to the courage and perseverence of black women. It also discourages rape, irresponsible sex and restriction of reproductive rights. "Innocent until proven guilty" without a doubt, but we've got a potential Hypocrite of the Millenium Award here. The smut factor plays a part only in the framing of this story. Black male violence is a white American drug. Try doing an expose of Motley Crue or Guns N Roses as a Newsweek cover story and you'd be laughed out of journalism.
Heidi Fleiss $10,000 a night call girls. A black book filled with the names of many Hollywood power players. This one is just too good to believe. Initially, I felt slightly ambivalent about the Fleiss revelations. I believe, however, that the best is yet to come. Made for TV movies are just the tip of the iceberg here. We're talking Barbara Walters, revelations from all the major tabloids, studio scandals, tales of sordid sex parties, maybe even a special issue of People Magazine. High potential. Look for it in '94.
The Menendez Brothers I had the remarkable privilege of going to high school with Eric Menendez. And no, I happen to like my parents very much, thanks. Personal attachments aside, I've got to take these boys to task. If you're going to kill your parents, for Christ's sake, don't buy a Porsche and 15 restaurants the next day. Motive, guys, motive. Now you're trying to plead child abuse. That's like Charles Manson pleading sanity at his parole hearing. The swastika on your forehead is a little distracting, Chuck. Sorry, I don't buy it.
Michael Jackson I have very little insight here. Money Grubbing Parents vs. One Very Weird Dude. The operative question: If Michael Jackson goes to prison, does he get to bring his monkey, Bubbles? And how will animal rights activists respond?
John and Lorena Bobbit What can one say? Husband rapes wife. Wife cuts penis off. Penis in the bushes. Man in pain. Male castration nightmare. Female revenge fantasy. And, for once, a sex criminal gets what he deserves.
Well, that about raps it up, folks. Have a good winter break. Happy Channukah, Merry Christmas, Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams.
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