duke, Horizontal

Although all of us may believe we’re pursuing particular members of the opposite sex during our weekend exploits, the reality is we’re merely chasing orgasms.

The hook-up culture—though a loathsome term that unsystematically generalizes an entire sexual dogma—is nothing if not a doctrine defined by the precedence of carnal pleasure over romantic and emotional connection.

Sometimes, I feel like I’ve made my way back across the Atlantic to an alien planet.

I was never more acutely aware of my return to Duke until I strapped on a pair of roller skates and attempted to traverse a rink coated in spilled beer without emptying my own Solo cup. The roller-skating date function is one of those peculiar Duke institutions that mixes highly dangerous activities with funny costumes, and thus ultimately results in pictures you later regret made it on Facebook.

One: Losing your virginity. The difference between something and nothing. A binary number. Yes or no. Experience or naivete. One is the first important number. You’ve created a formula that didn’t exist before. Plus one. Puberty hits, and suddenly arithmetic is making everyone horny.

The law of double standards: When determining the true value of an individual’s claimed sexual history, a girl’s total is divided in half. A boy’s sum is multiplied by two.

X: The number you dial when you’re drunk and alone on Valentine’s Day.