Recess Column

What word makes everything instantly worse? It starts with a “W” and ryhmes with winter. That’s right, winter. I hate this season. I came to Duke to escape this icy wench, but she’s even colder and wetter here.

Last week I learned my grandma was reading my column. She didn’t know who the author was until the horrifying conclusion upon which she said to my mom, “Susie, I thought Jackie wanted to work for NBC. Sounds like he wants to burn that mother down!” Hey, just cause I’ve dreamt of something my whole life doesn’t mean I can’t defecate all over it.

This just in: Jay Leno was struck by a train when his Model T Ford stalled on the tracks. Witnesses say the conductor had plenty of room to stop but instead chose to speed up and could be heard yelling some obscenity, though it was drowned out by the laughter of the onlookers. He will be survived only by his barren wife and a soulless mechanical litter of offspring—an extensive car collection. Cold and subhuman, they take after their father.