Lemurs.
In the wake of the liberalization and concurrent decay of moral standards our country has undergone in the last 20 years, these depraved little balls of fluff, once quite rightly acknowledged as the scourge of right-minded folk everywhere, have insidiously insinuated themselves into what were once some of the most respectable institutions of our great nation. Their infiltration of our culture has been so thorough that many people even consider them "cute" or "endearing."
What kind of sick society do we live in where these ring-tailed regents of Hell hold places of honor at our colleges and universities, at which whole courses of study are now devoted to the study of the bizarre and unnatural acts of which these furry fiends partake countless times daily.
There was a time when primate centers had integrity. You had your monkeys, your apes, your chimpanzees, your orangutans, even the occasional baboon. But by admitting lemurs to the sanctity of its grounds and associating them forever with its name, the University has lost the hard-earned faith of God-fearing people everywhere.
In these days of affirmative action, homosexual rights and Chinese food on points, the last thing we need is one more challenge to the most fundamental bases of our social, religous and political systems.
Who among us has not read with more than a little fear and trepidation the controversial manifestos of the small but vocal Prosimian Society Party, or the disturbing rumors that the powerful Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Jesse Helms, R-N.C., is considering abandoning the GOP for what he has allegedly called "an even less evolved political entity"?
Who has not heard of the "Free Monkeys of Montana," the separatist paramilitary group that brought lemur-instigated violence, once restricted to the American underground, into the national spotlight with a multi-week, fur-flying, feces-throwing standoff with federal agents?
Who has not heard of the followers of wealthy French businessman-turned-prophet Leonard Le Mur, those so-called "Lenny Lemurs," who kidnap our children and indoctrinate them in the ways of their heathen Madagascar-based, frolicking, tree-climbing, sifaka-worshipping cult, which, along with a host of other lemurcentric New Age "religions," threatens the very moral fiber that binds this society together?
Ultimately, one cannot help but conclude that lemurs are the root of all evil in the world. They are responsible for such scourges as world hunger, poverty, war, acne and the radio station we always listen to in the layout room. They are responsible for late columns and unwritten edits. And for the sake of the human race, THEY MUST BE STOPPED.
This is not a drill. This is a call to arms to people of sense and decency everywhere. Bolt your doors. Board up your windows. Hide the children. Then grab a big stick and get out there and whoop some semievolved, deceptively cute monkeybutt before it's too late. And one more thingÉ
Have a great fall break!
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