Hi, sororities. It’s good to see that you’ve finally quit your whining (note that I didn’t tell you to quit your bitching, because that is sexism, and sexism is wrong) and taken a positive step in the direction of womyn’s rights. Congratulations on your new houses. (How’d you get those past the brothel laws?) You’re halfway to regaining the self-respect you lose every time you blow a guy at Shooters because he’s in a good frat.
You’re all surprised, loyal readers. Why am I congratulating this superficial, judgmental, entitled group? I won’t beat around the bush here. (No, not that kind of bush, male readers. Pigs.) Sorority girls probably didn’t know about this earlier because they’ve all been too busy dressing like slutty dinosaurs and “hosting” populists or regressives or whatever they’re called, but it seems they’ve finally noticed that we have a gender problem on this campus.
Before I praise them any more, I want to talk about other “noun+problem” constructions: At home, when we have a “mouse problem,” it means our garage is covered in droppings. When Kilgo has its annual “ladybug problem,” it means the room is crawling with insects. (I’d like to suggest a more neutral name here: perhaps “peoplebugs.” Doesn’t everyone feel less marginalized already?) When a campus has an “alcohol problem,” it means the campus is teeming with frat boys.
The solution to all of these problems, of course, is to have less of whatever the noun is. Set a (humane, please, they are living creatures) trap for the mouse, fumigate your infested dorm room (bugs are gross), move the frats to Central Campus. (Oh, Larry, oh Larry, it’s so deviously sneaky of you…. It sends shivers down my spine.) So how do you solve a gender problem? Less gender!
I’m not saying we attempt to combine the whole human species into one gender. No, we womyn are distinct, with our own cultural identity that must be protected. It just seems that the best solution would be to, you know, get rid of one gender.
Or move them to Edens and Central Campus. I’m not picky.
So sororities, I’ll admit it. You’ve taken a positive step forward this week. In demanding your own housing, you’ve made sure that this time, when frat boys use you shamelessly for their own satisfaction (remember I said there’s a difference between taking control of your own sexuality and being a slut? That difference is greek letters), at least they’ll be using you on your own home turf. Maybe you’ll be empowered enough to hold a “hos and gigolos” party instead of a “hos and CEOs” party. At least that way everyone’s naked. But what about those of us who don’t believe in organized anything? What about we who are not sheep? No, like the asbestos control on Central Campus, sorority housing is just not good enough.
Womyn will never, I repeat, never have rights at this school as long as there are men here. Who is responsible for all rapes and murders on this campus? Who spray-paints graphic phalluses under the bridge, carves them into wet concrete, scrawls them on innocent whiteboards, without adding even a token vulva? Who writes racist, sexist and furry Monday, Monday columns? Men. I know you think this is speculation, but I believe it so I’m sure it’s true. White men, at that. I see your invisible backpack of privileges, white male readers! I hope you feel it. I hope it weighs you down with shame.
I’d like to propose a solution: We remove men from our campus.
What have men contributed to this University—besides weighing womyn down with insecurities? Yes, half the students on this campus are men. True, they have won multiple awards, scholarships and accolades. But if men win these awards, scholarships and accolades, you know who’s not winning them? That’s right, womyn.
I know that there are elite all-female institutions in this country. (Although increasingly, they are making a choice between opening their doors to men and closing their doors forever. You chose wrong, Peace College! They’re like big, sweaty, smelly locusts!) However, I am a liberal—not a radical—and in the progressive spirit of equality, I chose a school that embraced both genders. And what did I find? Gender problems. A whole nest of them.
Complete separation is the only solution.
Womyn, this is a call to arms. Storm the Allen Building and burn the benches. If they’re too heavy to lift, get the frat guys to help you lift them. Put them in their place. It’s time for a new era of gender equality. I haven’t researched or anything, but I just know Duke University has always been a school for both men and womyn. It’s time for a change. There will be resistance, so maybe we can just have all the men on one campus and the womyn on the other. It’s not like that’s been done before or anything.
Concerned Global Citizen isn’t worried about Larry’s restraining order. Her dad’s lawyer is taking care of it.
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