Stop being a basketball fan. Stop it. Right now.
Nobody wants you.
We want greeks. Big, fat greeks. I’m not talking trouble-with-the-Cypriots kind of Greeks. I’m talking trouble-with-the-Women’s-Center greeks.
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and we will politely explain to them that devotion and perseverance are no longer priorities in Krzyzewskiville. We prefer the greeks.
Coach K, the athletic powers that be, the line monitors and their DSG overlords have collectively decided that the way to solve our attendance problem is to beg Duke’s frattiest to rowdily over-represent themselves in athletic life as they do in social life.
Hence, three changes: First, groups of 30 or more can enter walk-up lines. Guess who’s going to be organized into groups of 30 or more? Here’s a hint. It starts with an “f” and rhymes with “maternity.”
Second, the Nov. 13 home game against UNC-Greensboro will likely be Greek Night in Cameron. Greek Night, like Senior Night, is designed to give preferential access to one group over everyone outside of that group. Unlike Senior Night, it will reward people who seem not to normally come to the games.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from Intro to Marketing, it’s that customer loyalty should be discouraged, and you should devote your attention to the people who don’t support your product.
Third, blue tenting may be reduced to one month maximum. It’s obvious why we want the most enthusiastic fans to spend less time around the basketball team. I don’t need to explain that one.
The idea is threefold: First, fraternities are big and organized, and big, organized groups are more likely to get lots of people to do the same thing. Case in point—pledge tasks. Second, frat boys are louder and more creative than independents. Case in point—pledge tasks. Third, groups of crazy Crazies who wait in the cold for friggin’ forever are scaring off casual fans who think they can’t get into games. Case in point—I make a point every year to avoid tent one, as they are almost universally off their rockers. You look one of them the wrong way, they will rip off your flesh with their gnarled teeth.
There are a number of problems with the new policies and attitudes behind them. First and foremost, as I’ve told you before, the way of dealing with low enthusiasm about an athletic activity is to get everyone together in Halloween garb the morning beforehand to drink themselves into a stupor. That way, even though they’re still not attending the game, at least they’re smashed. That works well.
But let’s pretend we’ve forgotten the practical lessons learned from Tailgate and look at the implications of giving greeks yet another venue to think that they’re better than everyone else. As someone who dated a basketball player (Jojo Johanssen—a strange mix between J.J. Redick and Josh McRoberts) and lost my virginity to a brother at a frat formal, I have a very tepid response to mixing the two groups.
If you think the devoted fans who wait in line for months are scaring off your average Joe Shmoe who thinks he can’t get into games against lesser opponents, wait until groups of 30 or more broskis are chilling in line with grills and brewskis.
The difference between rabid tenters scaring off Joe Shmoes and huge pools of dudes scaring off Joe Shmoes is that, in addition to not helping the Joe Shmoes, you’re losing your most rabid fans. And nobody cheers louder and more creatively than victims of rabies.
I mean, seriously. Let me pose an analogous problem and solution to you: I’m hosting a weekly meeting but not enough people are coming. I’m going to poop right outside the doorway to make it more exciting so that more people come. That way, it’s going to shake things up and make a ton more people come.
Okay, okay, I may be exaggerating the problems a bit. It’s just a bummer when independents get thrown under the bus, especially when those independents are contracting rabies just to support the team. It’s hard to live with rabies.
Charlotte Simmons is always here to remind you where the term “rabid fan” comes from.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.