Much ado about elections this week.

Jesus Christie, R-N.J., savior of the Republican Party, deals a striking blow to the socialist agenda by whomping incumbent governor Jon Corzine on a platform of being not Jon Corzine. As New Jersey is a swing state, this is proof positive that Sarah Palin will be the next President of the United States of America. Bill Bell and the incumbents clean up shop in Durham, with but one global impact: making me realize that Bill Bell and the Incumbents would be a great name for a band. Abdullah “So Nice, We Named It Twice” Abdullah withdrew from the Afghan election.  

One of these things is not like the other. That Abdullah thing is big news. Big news that got me thinking about small news.

Do you remember that one huge election that got everyone’s pulse quickening recently? Yeah, I knew you were on the same page—I’m talking about the Special Secretary for the Young Trustee Process election. Heavy campaigning, hard issues debated in depth, mobilizing the bases on both sides of the aisle. I know, I’m getting excited thinking about it, too!  

I use Duke-related analogies to help me understand the whole Abdullah (you can decide whether I’m being a proper journalist or unnecessarily informal, that’s the best part of the same first name-last name combo) ordeal. It’s as if Ben Getson had dropped out of the Special Secretary for the Young Trustee Process race, ceding it to favorite Amanda Turner. Only Afghanistan had a higher turnout, and their position is more symbolic than ours. And less capable of, you know, doing stuff.

Seriously. Duke Student Government is a much more centralized, effective sovereign power than the central government in Kabul. Between 2004 and today, Hamid Karzai has taken the glowing ember of stability and corruption-free in Afghanistan and snuffed it out with his snazzy-looking sleeves. Between early September and today, Amanda Turner has held a number of open forums and crafted a proposal for a new Young Trustee selection process.

And while I’m not exaggerating the tragicomic shortcomings of Afghanistan, I may be hyping the Young Trustee reform project a bit too much. For one, about as many people came to these open forums as I had funny jokes in my first couple of columns. And that’s not too many. Yet another case of a number of annoying people clamoring for DSG transparency, and then not partaking of it when they do get it. So, despite the lack of input from the student body (due to lack of interest from the student body), the process was as transparent as Saran wrap.

Still, when it comes down to it, not too much changes in the proposed reforms. Here are the big points, chewed up and regurgitated into more digestible packages:

1) The Young Trustee is selected before February, whereas before, it was near the end of the Spring semester. Realistically, this won’t achieve the intended goal of freeing the Young Trustee candidates up for rush, but it’s a nice thought. (And yes, I will find a way to characterize every new policy as pro-fraternity).

2) The Young Trustee nominating committee is made up of six people from DSG, six people from the artist formerly known as ICC and six randos selected by DSG. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s 18: 33 percent ICC, 33 percent DSG, 33 percent buddies of people in DSG.

Fine. But in the spirit of keeping up with the Karzais, I think we can use our symbolic election to make even greater changes. Now, when I think about what my ideal Young Trustee process would look like, it would probably look like Zac Efron. He’s hot. On a more practical level, it would have three main points of reform:

1) After the dissociation of Inter-Community Council from DSG, the nominating committee needed to be reconstituted to be more representative of the student body. It now consists of just Larry Moneta. While Dr. Moneta is on sabbatical, I will hold that seat. Everyone universally agrees that I have reasoned, representative opinions about Duke. (Phhttrrrbbh.)

2) In an attempt to make the process more transparent, closed-door meetings will be held in a Link classroom, where walls are transparent.

3) When the selection committee has settled upon three finalists for the Young Trustee position, the winner will be selected by a three-way, no holds barred mixed martial arts bout on the plaza.

It’s all food for thought as we reflect on our most important local election in this greater season of elections.  

Charlotte Simmons reformed your Young Trustee… in bed!