In a flurry of regulatory changes made over the weekend after a packed legislative session, Duke Student Government announced Monday that it had designated Campus Enterprises (CE) as “Too Big To Fail.” The student-run LLC, which has been a part of the Duke community for over 20 years and definitely is not a pyramid scheme, said members are “saddened” about the designation, which will subject them to heightened regulatory scrutiny and potential interference from DSG.
“We’re glad to have made the decision to designate Campus Enterprises in case there is some sort of economic meltdown,” said one freshman senator, who is poising himself for a vice presidential run, at a secret meeting with Monday Monday at the Sower statue on East Campus. “They’re too entrenched in the average Duke Student’s life to be lost. I mean, without Enterprise Entertainment, what will sororities do about taking photos at their functions? Take them on their phones? What are we, peasants?”
Campus Enterprises has become increasingly important over the past few years, thanks to strategic business decisions made by the future investment bankers who will one day reunite to sink the American economy. Though CE began as a delivery service for food around campus, it has recently grown into otherwise untapped markets like event photography, t-shirt design and—according to an anonymous source within the organization—a developing enterprise for witty Instagram captions.
Sources close to Monday Monday said that in addition to annual audits from DSG, Campus Enterprises will also be required to come up with a plan for how it could quickly liquidate assets in the case of a financial meltdown. An Econ 301 student-“expert” estimates that a regulation of this nature could potentially save DSG “hundreds of thousands of dollars” in the case of a meltdown; however, that student recently received a D+ on his exam so his credibility is described as “unclear.”
“I’m deeply saddened by the decision to subject us to these regulations,” one Campus Enterprises executive board member who will one day single-handedly create an American housing crisis told Monday Monday in the back of a BME lecture. “We have done so much good for the Duke community—I mean, how else would you expect your TGI Fridays to get there three hours after ordering it without our mediocre drivers?”
The larger organization sees this designation as a sort of “Hotel California”—an economic term that confusingly has been derived from the 1977 Eagles hit of the same name. Campus Enterprise investors are fearful that they will “never be able to check out” after receiving the designation and worry the organization will devalue over time.
Despite disappointment within CE, officials outside the organization expressed sentiments of relief that this regulation creates a newly established insurance system for the larger Duke economy.
“Sushi Love delivery accounts for 68 percent of the total market share for Duke Dining. Those Manhattan-born Key Threes just can’t seem to get enough of their sashimi,” a high-ranking member of the Student Affairs office told Monday Monday, in a secret meeting deep in the Chapel Crypt. “This is the first time in my life I can honestly say I’m glad about something DSG passed.”
Despite reports that Campus Enterprises was mostly just a resume padder for students applying to Morgan Stanley internships, this source said that CE actually provides “vital goods and services that Duke students and administrators have come to rely on.”
“The West Union can’t be relied on to provide the services Duke students actually want,” the Student Affairs official said. “I mean, we constructed that thing mostly for the way it’ll look on brochures for the school. We’re not dumb—we know you students only want Merchants-On-Points delivery. And I won’t lie: I got some sadistic pleasure out of basically taking that away. But if Campus Enterprises were to fail, then the administration would have to actually be relied upon to provide students services and we just are not prepared to do that.”
Another Student Affairs official added that the administration would be “forlorn” without the Enterprise Entertainment services they feature at their semesterly parties.
“I love looking at those pictures on The Facebook after every major event,” the 68-year-old grandmother of four told Monday Monday at a secret meeting on the top of the hospital roof. “I’ve been at Lilly’s totally hammered and not remembered a thing, so it’s always a fun surprise when I see the photos posted days later and I’m tagged in like 12 of them with a dazed look in my eyes.”
DukeEnrage reportedly has already mobilized sit-ins to protest the organization’s very existence. As of print time, the group had begun to occupy the front porches of at least seven different Central Campus apartments that various members of Campus Enterprises call home.
“Too big to fail is too big,” one member told Monday Monday while eating Enzo’s pizza they had ordered on Food Points via Campus Enterprise’s GoBringIt iOS app. “As Duke students, we can’t allow for these sorts of giant conglomerate organizations to continue. We have to break them up or else we risk the livelihood of the average American.”
Other protesters were less familiar with their thoughts on Campus Enterprises, despite saying they were committed to a “multi-month” sit-in. When asked his thoughts, one member of the protest—who had just constructed a bong out of an abandoned SleepEasy mattress—told Monday Monday he “wasn’t sure” what he was protesting against, but that we was “totally against” whatever it may be.
“F**k capitalism,” he said, before passing out on the hood of his Daddy’s hand-me down-Mercedes.
Written while waiting for Merchants-On-Points to return to normal delivery hours.
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