Hi all. So in a bid to further increase “organizational efficiency” here at The Chronicle, we’ve decided to trial this new so-called “template” format for stories that follow a predictable model. Basically when some big event happens, all you journos will have to do is take the vague template article and delete/insert content as appropriate. Attached to give you the idea is a draft of the “Duke scandal” template—applicable to any case of hate crimes, racist parties, homophobic vandalism, whatever. DO NOT SHOW THIS TO ANY MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC. If I catch any of you so much as flashing a peek of this material to your sick little grandma over in Blandsville, Idaho, or whoever the hell else you’re trying to bat eyes at, I will PERSONALLY see to it that each of your fingers is pulled from your hand and incorporated into a lovely little tiara for me to wear next Halloween.
Kisses,
Chron Editorial Team
DUKE ADMINISTRATION, STUDENTS RESPOND TO [controversy]
Campus is reeling this morning after a controversial thing was discovered or reported at wherever the controversial thing happened.
Campus administrators have been quick to condemn the controversial thing that happened. Said one administrator, “I am extremely disappointed over the thing that unfortunately now exists. The thing that unfortunately now exists is unthinkable within the context of a strong scholarly community like Duke. The individuals behind the thing that unfortunately now exists should seriously reflect on their place in the Duke community and how their actions impact others.”
Other administrators have been making guarantees of action in the wake of the controversy. “Rest assured, there will be a dialogue over the Very Bad Thing. There will be a dialogue with room provided for perhaps even two or three dialogues. There will be a veritable dialogue surplus. The Dialogue Action Plan the administration is currently drawing up provides for at least 100,000 words to be spoken on the Very Bad Thing over the next three months, with provisions allowing for even more words to be spoken about it should that number be reached. The wellbeing of Duke’s students is absolutely the administration’s highest priority, and there should be no doubts that Duke will deploy as many words as necessary in order to make sure the Very Bad Thing doesn’t happen again.”
[Put something here about whatever problematic email the administration sent to the student body trying to assuage the controversy.]
Most administrators maintained that they were optimistic this situation could be avoided in future. “It is true—The Event That Sadly Did Fully Actualize (TETSDFA) did happen, decisively showing us that not all groups are safe on campus. But I believe that Duke has unique characteristics that will allow it to persevere and avoid incidents like TETSDFA from happening again. After all, this is a community of scholars. Scholars are trained to reject bad ideas. If we could just harness their brains—perhaps through some machine or the like—we could feasibly create an anti-prejudice force field and project it around the university like in Harry Potter. Then we could keep out racism/sexism/homophobia/transphobia [delete as appropriate] from Duke forever.”
Student response to the controversy has been varied.
[All right, so we gathered up some quotes that we’ve used before and listed them below. Just use whichever fit the campus zeitgeist. Or make them up. I really don’t care.]
“I don’t know. It was bad, sure, but I think [campus advocacy group] overreacted and are being very emotional about what happened,” said [just invent a name and year].
“It’s awful. My heart goes out to their community. I can’t believe that a Dukie would do something this bad!” said [a student who has apparently never heard of Tucker Max or Richard Nixon].
“I really don’t think it’s as bad as everyone is making it out to be,” said [a frat guy, probably. Or maybe Jerry Hough?].
“I think it’s important to remember that we always need to advocate for those less privileged than us,” said [in all probability someone who conflates the term “advocacy” with what a layman might call “occasionally reposting an Upworthy article.”].
[And then maybe stick something in here about whatever offensive or unconstructive column Monday Monday inevitably writes about the controversy.]
Going forwards, it’s expected that [LOL jk, you guys know the drill—incident happens, outrage follows, counter-outrage rises up against it, everyone stops speaking about it three days later and then a new incident happens. Rinse, repeat. All right, I’m gonna go ahead and write my paper on turn of the century German philosophy of science now. Remember that this draft is FOR CHRONICLE EYES ONLY, and if you contravene this confidentiality, I will personally come brick up your dorm room with old papier-mâché Chronicle copies so that you die entombed by the publication you betrayed. Peace out, peasants.]
Little known fact, this column has actually been written using the template format ever since Monday Monday died in a fatal game of rock-paper-scissors over Fall Break.
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