To my sister, future member, class of 2018

To my sister, future member, Duke Class of 2018,

“Duke is the only school where I know students who’ve graduated who absolutely hated it.”

As I think about my swiftly-ending four years here, I keep thinking back to that quote, which our mom told me as I sat deciding, down to the very last minute, where I would go to college. Now that my time in college is over, and yours is beginning, I feel I have to ask myself: Was it true? Did I hate Duke?

If I’m being honest with myself, the answer is yes. At Duke, I have been unhappy. I have spent nights here feeling lonelier than I ever have in my life, filling out half of a transfer application and wishing I’d made a different decision.

While in college, I’ve struggled to find people I truly connect with. Building real connections with people is often the first thing sacrificed when everyone is “busy.” “Fracquaintainces” you meet for lunch every few weeks abound, but real friendships can be hard to find, and friend groups can be near impenetrable. I’ve felt stereotyped, pre-judged and unable to escape preconceived notions others have about me. I’ve seen Duke students—allegedly some of the nation’s finest—be sexist, racist and homophobic regularly, and even commit felony crimes without the University blinking an eye. Even within my social groups I’ve felt ostracism— whether it was because I wasn’t cool enough, or was unashamed about my dumb decisions, or because they heard half a story without bothering to hear my side. For much of my time here, I’ve felt trapped in a social scene I didn’t feel I belonged in. Often, I still feel as if I don’t belong.

So I guess the next important question is—given all these things about Duke that I’ve disliked, what do I think you should do about your college decision? Well, the choice is obvious: You should come to Duke.

Because maybe I did dislike Duke—but only a little bit of it. In fact, those things that I disliked about Duke drove me to get involved—not only to make Duke better for me, but to make it better overall. I met people who wanted to know me beyond a surface level—who didn’t judge me based on suppositions or gossip. In the process, I learned from Duke—from its classes and its people. I grew into a new person—better or worse—within Duke’s classrooms and dormitories. I gained amazing experiences and opportunities. I met people, learned concepts and did things that I don’t think I could have ever done elsewhere. I found that even though there were aspects of Duke that I didn’t like, I could always open up my scene and find a new avenue to love it here. I found that you can spend your time at Duke and pretty much anywhere else hating every second, moping in the problems around you. Or you can do something about it, and make yourself an environment in which you can be happy.

So go to Duke. Do a pre-orientation program. Join a Focus. Meet people in your dorm—and outside your dorm. Commit to knowing people beyond just parties or waves on the bus. Don’t be afraid to ask someone out to lunch or to go see a speaker or a movie—no matter who they are, or how far along in your Duke career you are. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Join an SLG, and Greek life—but make sure you also keep friends who aren’t so affiliated. Challenge yourself. Ask someone out on a date. Don’t let some notion of what success looks like in Duke’s social or academic scene define what you think success is. Ask for help when you need it because help is there. Get involved in research and social justice activism and intramural sports or just a random club you know nothing about. Do DukeEngage and DukeImmerse and let Duke send you abroad as many times as they’ll allow. Write a thesis—you will hate it. It will be worth it. Ignore your work to talk with strangers until you’re best friends. Frolic in the gardens. Ride the Shooters bull. Eat a LocoPop. And above all, be open and learn—from everything and everyone you meet.

Duke has its problems and areas it needs improvement—but so does every other college, and so does every other stage of your life. If there’s something I’ve learned from my years here, it is that college—and probably any other era of your life—is what you make of it. You can take a step up to make a change, and make the place you’re in the place you want to be. In every stage of life, there are opportunities to be happy all around you. It’s up to you whether you take them.

With love, and you’re welcome for not saying anything embarrassing.

Lillie