“The Union of American Socialist Republics is being born.” —Mike Huckabee, former Arkansas governor and U.S. presidential candidate, February 2009.

Now, I’m no political science major, but I’m pretty sure Huckabee missed the mark on that one, just like all the other conservatives that have been throwing out the “s” word—“socialist”—over the past nine months (seriously, in the United States calling someone a “socialist” is like calling a teenage girl “fat”—you just don’t go there).

Even Newsweek jumped on the bandwagon back in February when they ran a cover with a red hand grasping a blue hand under the headline, “We are all socialists now.” And this was before Obama paid a September visit to a Florida classroom to both address the kids about the importance of studying hard and “indoctrinate America’s children to his socialist agenda” (Chairman of the Republican Party in Florida Jim Greer’s words, not mine). Furthermore, all of this commotion predates the current health care debate raging today.

Well, I have a challenge for the next person who calls Obama a socialist: come to Spain, where the PSOE (Partido Socialista Obrero Español or “the Spanish Socialist Workers Party”) has been in power since 2004. Then talk to me about what socialism really is.

Even an open-minded college student slash future journalist like myself has issues when confronted with a truly socialist system. For example, in my first lecture of the sociology of business class that I am taking at the University of San Pablo, our Spanish teacher explained that every business ideally wants to achieve excellent technical results (aka profits) while at the same time having excellent human results (high worker satisfaction levels). She then posed a situational question: Would it be easier for a business with solid technical results but poor human results to achieve an elevated status or vice versa?

We six Dukies conferred and agreed that being technically sound and making profits was of primary importance, and companies could deal with the human relations later. Right? WRONG! According to our teacher, “If people like their company and bond together to form a team, then they will work much better and the company will move to the elevated status more easily.” I’m sure that was Wall Street’s problem—they just didn’t like each other enough. I couldn’t help but think that’s great that they’ll all feel warm and fuzzy on the inside, but what if this team can’t turn a profit? Rather than fighting it, I just followed the lead of my friend and wrote SOCIALISM in big letters on the page, making a mental note to remember that the answer was counter-intuitive.

In another class focusing on Spanish communication skills, we were talking about the health care “situation” in the United States. My Spanish teacher, who speaks English and understands United States culture, listened as we boiled down what the debate currently raging back home on the Hill meant for us and our socioeconomic demographic. “Don’t you feel a civic, moral duty to help out the less fortunate in your country?” she asked. Obviously, but doesn’t it run against the American Dream for the average person to have a 37 percent income tax (and up to 41 percent for the more wealthy) as they do in Spain to support those who aren’t as successful? Not only does this money in Spain go toward health care and social security, but it also goes toward paying an unemployed worker up to 80 percent of his old salary for up to two years. In the states, aren’t we all about the whole pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps and make your own success mentality?

From my experience, the answer is yes, but that does not make us terrible people. It just means we are more individually-minded than collectively minded. It’s in our blood. But, in the spirit of new experiences, my friends and I decided to embrace the Spanish lifestyle, including its socialist tendencies.  We even gave socialism a new, less-cumbersome definition: “The most good for the most people.”

This definition comes in handy sometimes and can be applied to many situations in the good ol’ U.S. of A. and back at dear old Duke. For example, maybe when Obama officially comes out of the closet as a socialist, he can buy all of our section party and Tailgate supplies for us. That would certainly help out the fraternity boys, who are the most overtaxed demographic when it comes to funding parties. And maybe then we can make it easier for bigger groups (aka “the most people”, in this equation) to get into basketball games (Oh wait, I think someone might have beaten me to that last one—perhaps there is a socialist movement on campus?!?).

Who knows, maybe if these measures pass, upset students can start calling President Brodhead a socialist as well. After all, I hear the “s” word is all the rage in America now. But until Obama gives me a red solo cup or Brodhead throws his hands up to “Party in the USA,” I think I will leave Spain to its socialism and take my capitalism with some reformed health care on the side. Long live The Union of American and European Capitalist Socialist Republics.

Laura Keeley is a Trinity junior. Her column runs every other Tuesday.